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| I never remember.
I've realized that I have some pretty incredible friends. Maybe because I used to not have very many friends, that I still forget that now I do. No, I'm not saying I grew up a loser..well maybe I did..but I mean. True friendships. The kind where you'll do something for the other without expecting anything in return, and doing it joyfully. Where you can call them up just because, and it's cool. When y'all can eat together in silence and it not be too..keyword..awkward. If you have an emootional panic attack and break down, they don't run away screaming, but stay and keep you sane. The kind where you can get hurt, though you don't want to, but if you do it'll be okay eventually because neither want to lose it.
I guess I had alot of what I call "surface-level friendships". No, not all of them. Those few true friendships I had growing up, I cherish dearly. But many were just "hey, how ya doin? ... oh yeah? cool ... i'm good too" kind of relationships. I'd pass them in the hallway everyday, sit across the table in class, share a booth at lunch, sneak cookies from our backpacks when the teacher wasn't looking. But really..what does that amount to? When I was sad, who could I turn to? When I was pissed, who could I vent to? It's hard. I know I'm at fault too, I didn't let people in, I didn't want to get hurt again. But something I've realized is that ALL relationships take work, from both parties. One sided relationships don't workout so well, no matter they're friendships or dating relationships.
Friends are awesome commodities. | | |
| i forgot to update. I GOT THE JOB! whoop!
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| oh dear, i just applied for a job today. my first real job application. ever. (minus lt/ymca because i dont really count that).
please pray for me. i really want this job and it'd be an amazing experience. if it's Gods will, i pray that i'll be given the opportunity to have an interview and that it all works out.
i've never been allowed to have a job before, but my parents are allowing me to get this one because it has to do withmy career goals. i told them that, it's not logical for me to never work throughout schooling and then get a job once i'm out. i won't have any experience then, and won't be hired for a good job! because after school, i'll pretty much be independent. financially, etc. at least, that's how i've interpreted my parents' words. i recieved the application wednesday afternoon, and it was due today at 5PM. there wasnt alot of time to pray about it. but with my parents giving me the a-ok and the feeling that it's "right" ? then i went ahead with it and turned it in. but please pray for all of this. me, my decision to apply, for my application and those who read it. | | |
| I watched Passion of the Christ last night with homegroup.
it was different than i thought. i dont know what i was expecting from it. i can tell you though, that i wasn't looking forward to watching it. not that i didn't want to watch it, but i wasn't looking forward to it. slight difference, to me. i'd seen it before, and i'd say i had the "normal" reactions to it. it was sad, i cried, thought it was powerful and moving, etc. i don't know. it was.. the Jesus movie.
this time watching it, i noticed more things i hadn't noticed before. maybe i'd just forgotten parts of it, or blocked it from my memory, been to busy digesting the previous scene to pay attention to the next one, i dont know. but this time i think i must have paid more attention to the movie itself.
i was still moved by it, and watching it in a home with good friends is alot different than watching it in a theater with some friends and other people. that last time i'd seen it was when i'd organized CF (christian fellowship, in highschool) to go as a group one day after school, when it had been released.
it's an emotional movie. even though i still cried this time, and it hurt to watch at times.. i felt different. i cant say i rembmer my exact feelings from the first time i watched it. but this time, i had this sense of joy. even through my tears and aching heart, i knew that Jesus suffered and gave up everything for us. for ME. and that never ceases to amaze me.
Jesus stepped down from his place in heaven, to be born on earth as a lowly human. son of a simple carpenter and his wife. to grow up and live a human life. and he didnt have to! it's crazy.
God..Jesus..has power. ALL power. and yet, he GAVE UP that power to save us. God couldn't die on the cross, but Jesus stripped himself of all his power and authority to die on the cross and save us all. he SEPARATED himself from his father for us. Jesus had always been in the presence of God, they were one. God is holy and only holy things can be in his presence. but when Jesus bore the burden of all our sins, he was dirty and God couldn't look at his sone anymore. "Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?'—which means, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'" (Matthew 27:46)
Jesus did that for us. and yet, i kept thinking afterwards, why can't i do anything for him? Jesus did so much for me. he showed all his love for me through the ultimate sacrifice, yet when he askes me to do something for him, so many times i cower and try to ignore him.. i make excuses..
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| i dont like praying out loud. it's weird for me. even when we do korean style, where everyone prays outloud all at once, i don't like it.
i usually avoid prayer meetings and such. at least for my homegroup i did. i went to alot of aaiv prayer meeintgs, i'm not sure why.. i guess because i'd started to get used to going so i felt more..comfortable. with homegroup prayer meetings, i had a time conflict, so i couldnt make it. this semester though, that time conflict is gone, but i still havent really been going. every week i face the decision whether to go or not. tonight i had NO conflict and pretty much no reason not to go. i was asked to go. 'told' to go.
i had to confront what's the matter. why am i so scared of prayer meetings? it's not like i don't pray. i do! maybe not for hours on end..or even minutes sometimes. i'm probably really inconsistent with my prayer, but i've been working on that. (not praying just to pray when you're "supposed to", but to have genuine and sincere prayers).
it's praying out loud i think that i have a problem with.
i sat there tonight as we sort of popcorn/"rapid fired". there was only 4 of us though and during the long silences i felt so akward. i prayed second and then the others all went 2-5 more times or so before i finally prayed again. i know i shouldn't pay attention to who prays when, but i felt so self-conscious that i guess i was keeping track of how many times each person prayed. two people prayed alot, but the third person had only prayed once. then they prayed a second time. oh no! it's a bad way to think. and it was distracting! i couldn't focus completely on the prayers.
it's not like i wasn't praying. no, i was. but i was praying silently, and that made me feel bad. i was THERE at a prayer meeting, and at times i felt compelled to pray. should i pray out loud? or can i just pray by myself? so i just prayed to myself. ...to God..silently, i mean.
when i pray outloud i just feel so self conscious. like i have to say all the "right stuff", i feel like i'm going to screw up the prayer somehow. and when i feel self conscious, my prayers become less real and more of an act. that's not good!
but i know that the holy spirit is our intercessor, so even when we dont have the right words to say. it's okay.
["25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."]
i was pondering all of this after the prayer meeting was all over. and i think i came up with this:
it's not about HOW you pray. what's important is that you're coming together to pray corporately to God and lift up prayers as a unified body of believers. whether you pray verbally, silently in your heart, or through your hands and interpretive dance. it doesn't matter! it's good to pray in different styles because there's no one "right" way, as long as you come before God with a sincere, humble heart. | | |
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